I recall meeting a few different people in cottage “C”.  These individuals were people that I would strike up conversations with during outside smoke breaks.  Everyone, I mean everyone smoked cigarettes.  I noticed that my cigarette smoking greatly increased immediately upon stopping my drug use.  I think it primarily had to do with the strong obsession toward marijuana and trying to make-up for it.  One thing that I remember about one of these smoke breaks was talking to an individual who told me the doctors found out that he was bipolar.  I was beside myself when I heard this information.  I was a psychology major at a university, so I had a little bit of knowledge on the subject.  I thought to myself that it would be terrible if they found something like that wrong me.

After spending 24 hours in cottage “C”, I was moved into the Half-way house.  This is the place where you go after they feel you are not going to hurt yourself (or others) and that you have successfully been detoxified from all drugs.  Treatment centers really have to be careful especially for alcoholism.  Alcoholics can die from withdrawal if not treated properly. It was known in the early days of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) for sponsors to care liquor with them to keep the new comers from dying from withdrawal.

Once at the halfway house, I was settled into a room with another individual.  I can not remember who it was to this date.  However; he seemed pretty nice like most of the other people there.  It didn’t take long to realize that a lot of wealthy people including doctors and lawyers were also there with me trying to stop using various drugs.  I recall that they had 2 group meetings everyday in the halfway house.  One meeting was early in the morning around 8:00AM and the other one was in the afternoon around 4:00PM.  Each one of these meetings consisted of everyone telling how they felt that day.  But, before each person began to talk, he or she would state whether or not they were an alcoholic or an addict.  Some people even stated that they were both.  When it was my turn to speak for the first time, I stated that I was a Marijuana addict.

In between circle based meetings, we had classroom like schedules.  Each class lasted about 1 hour and were instructed by different teachers (drug counselors).  For the first week, I was pretty cheerful and answered questions while a lot of people made fun of how slow I talked.  To me, I did not seem to speak in slow motion, but everyone else clearly noticed and made fun of me from time to time.  This obviously was an effect of my long term use of marijuana.  But, it wasn’t just my speaking that was impaired.  Marijuana had actually slowed down my thought processes.  This was one reason why I had been unable to finish my 4 year college degree in psychology.  Honestly, my mind was not nearly as sharp as it was just 5 or 6 years earlier.  Marijuana had turned me into a slow thinking, slow talking person.  These problems along with a few others like the inability to read well because my eyes lost focus quickly would continue to cause me problems for the next 2 or 3 years.  Click to Continue ->>

During that first week in drug rehab I met some really nice people. One of my favorite individuals was a guy named “Jay”. Jay and I would have a blast at the 8AM and 4PM circle discussions. We joked around like crazy and were truly enjoying ourselves. During the circle meetings I was still stating my first name and indicating that I was a marijuana addict and that was all. At the circle meetings, the lady in charge of the Half-way house would make statements regarding various things to us. There were at least 2 or 3 people that she made comments about how it was there second or third time in rehab. She would say things like: Are you convinced this time that you really are an alcoholic and an addict? Do you think you will be able to stay sober this time when you leave?

During that first week, we immediately were directed by the staff and counselors that we must attend 12 step meetings or we would not be able to stay sober. This was my first real introduction to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). I say real introduction because when I was 19, a girl friend of mine took me to an AA meeting. I was really only there to watch one of her friends pick-up a chip. I remember her even stating that I was an alcoholic just like the people in the meeting. Of course, I did not pay any attention to what she said at that time. So, technically I had been to an alcoholics anonymous meeting before and had never put two and two together about what rehab was going to involve.

When I started attending meetings (this time for real in rehab) I listened and was shocked at some of the things I heard. Some people stated terrible things that had happened to them directly do to the effects of using drugs and alcohol. This was not something that I had in common because my drug of choice was marijuana and it did not cause me to spend all of my money and ruin my life (yet). The other thing that I immediately noticed was a big age difference between me and the other people attending these 12 step meetings. I was only 26 years old which is the only reason why my drug use had not caused me a lot of problems. It only makes sense now that I look back at my age and what I was doing at that time. If I would have used for another 10 years I probably would have found myself in 12 step meetings stating how my life had been ruined.

I should also mention the withdrawal effects that I was experiencing during the first week. Mainly I was just craving my drug of choice (Marijuana) or frankly any drug. The mental obsession and cravings were almost unbearable. My mind was stuck between wanting to stop using drugs and not. At night, I would dream like crazy. So, really the only withdrawal symptoms that I experienced were unusual dreams and that strong craving that makes your toes curl up.
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Most of the people in the treatment center that I encountered had bad personal relationships with their family members and possibly their siblings. The alcoholic/addict was responsible for these bad relationships 9 times out of 10. However; the individual that the alcoholic or addict married or was an relationship with was also typically making the problem worse. Again, this problem was made worse by the enabling that was taking place by the people surrounding the alcoholic/addict (family members, friends, siblings, etc.). Enabling is when you provide money or some sort of assistance to the alcoholic/addict to allow him or her to easily continue using drugs/drinking alcohol. This enabling is prevalent in most alcoholic and addict lifestyles. Because my drug of choice was marijuana, enabling really wasn’t an issue with me. Marijuana is relatively cheap and the type of job that I had at the time allowed me to pay for my habit without placing a financial burden on me or someone else. This may or may not be the case with other marijuana users. If you find yourself in a rehab facility like I found myself, just keep in mind that it’s impossible for the doctors and counselors to run the rehab without putting everyone into one group and labeling everyone in a certain way.

During the first week in the halfway house my parents were brought in for meetings with me and the other counselors. They were told about how they could possibly be enabling me to continue using drugs and drinking alcohol. Again to this day, I really don’t feel that I was being enabled. If I was being enabled it was not to a great degree. However; given the circumstances my parents were eager to listen to what the counselors had to say as far as their possible enabling part was concerned. So to summarize; part of the first week in the halfway house consisted of meetings with the drug counselors individually and some meetings where my parents attended. The other thing that was taking place during my stay at the halfway house was a very organized daily curriculum. This curriculum consisted of waking up at 7:30AM drinking a cup of coffee, smoking as many cigarettes as I possibly could and going to my first class by 8:00AM. The class starting at 8:00AM and most of the other classes throughout the day consisted of small group conversations between me and five are six other individuals (other addicts) and a given drug counselor. I quickly realized during the short meetings with various drug counselors (in these small classrooms) that the other individuals at the rehab facility had problems with relationships that I had not experienced. Again, I really feel that this goes back to my age of 26 and the fact that I didn’t have a wife or any children.
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The reason people have such a hard time stopping is because of denial.  Once the addict or alcoholic can get past denial (and want to stop) he or she is on their way to recovery.  For me, the denial was also very strong.  The type of denial that I experienced felt like a war going on inside my head.  To combat this war I used some of the early sayings that I’ve learned in AA meetings.  The one I used the most was: “fake it until you make it”.  I would continue to use “fake it until you make it” for quite some time (maybe 6 months) after leaving the treatment center.
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My daily life continued at the halfway house and I really had not shown any anger up until this point.  One of the very common actions for an alcoholic or addict is to get very angry at the beginning of recovery.  This anger is caused by resentments (things that happened to us in the past coming to the surface).  In my case, I did not suffer from any psychical or mental abuse caused by family members.  However; these types of events are very common with a lot of addicts.  Unfortunately, I found that the counselors were forced to lump everyone into one group.  This group or stereotype consisted of a broken home where other family members were drinking and/or using drugs, enabling or even abusing us.  We were all also considered to be untrustworthy with all regards to drug and alcohol use.   Addicts and alcoholics are known to lie about almost anything related to their drug use.  (I used to think that I was not hurting anyone else, so it did not matter if I lied about how much pot I smoked).  We were regularly drug tested because the counselors and doctors had a hard time telling if you were lying or not.

Even though I did not have very many family related issues, (primarily because my parents did not even know that I was smoking pot until about 2 weeks prior) I did have a lot of resentments toward other people.  Some of these things consisted of events that had taken place in my childhood between me and other friends.  More or less, I held grudges toward other people and I was not able to let go of them like a “normal person” would be able to do. 

I noticed early on that the halfway house was a money based business.  This made me mad in a lot of ways because people would “graduate from treatment” once the insurance company stopped paying.  When I entered treatment I did not have any health insurance so my parents were paying cash for my treatment.  I think they ended up paying in the range of about $30,000 (discounted for cash) for me to be there for a total of 30 days.  With the amount of money being spent I was not happy that we were expected to be doing “chores” during our rehabilitation.  Today of course, I realize that the chores were based on trying to get “most” alcoholics and addicts used to taking care of themselves.  Unfortunately, this is where the “grouping of addicts” at a treatment center comes into play again. Honestly, I did not need to be doing these chores.  I was a working and functioning alcoholic and addict when I arrived at treatment.  These chores consisted of sweeping the floor in the lounge area, making up our beds, etc.

I was assigned two psychiatrists at Ridgeview and both of these psychiatrists were addictionologists (they specialized in treating alcohol and drug addiction).  The Doctor that performed “my intervention” at Ridgeview was more or less my main psychiatrist.  I believe his name was Dr. Margolis and I also remember that I didn’t like him.
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My parents were smart enough to listen to the doctor.  After staying home for two days (without relapsing) I returned to the treatment center.  I noticed that when I came back to the facility that Susan actually treated me better than she did before.  I think there were two reasons behind this, one I had finally gotten angry and two they knew what I did when I got angry (leave).  Getting angry (or pissed off as hell), I found was part of the recovery process.   So basically, the entire staff was intentionally doing things to try and aggravate me so that I would get angry.  The place was rigged from the chores down to the hard bed and pillows.  The anger did not come from the money being spent, or the paper that I was told to write, it was the direct result of all the grudges and resentments that I had been holding onto for years.  Most addicts have a lot of resentments that need to be addressed.  The 4th step in Alcoholics Anonymous helps to remove these resentments or grudges.  This step helps you to see where you were wrong and how you actively participated and caused some of these problems.  It also helps you to heal from bad events that were not your fault.

Now that I’d completed the anger part of the treatment center, what the heck was next?  I sure know that the cravings were killing me.  We were all completely obsessed with drugs and alcohol.  Almost every conversation ended up with drugs and alcohol being mentioned.   We had a conversation about what everyone would do if they were to relapse with $20,000.  People made fun of me because l stated that I’d buy a pound of weed.  They all thought I was nuts and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to buy coke.

My second roommate was a professional football player who drove a two door BMW coupe.  Jay said that there was so much coke in his car that he felt he could get a good bump off the powder between the seams in the leather seats.  Of course we had people who were relapsing which gave us something even more exciting to talk about.  There was a guy who disappeared for an entire weekend on a crack binge.  He and some others were sent off to a place in Texas.   Texas was not a good thing, I knew that for sure.  It was stated that:  “In Texas they didn’t just show you where the water was, but they also showed you how to drink it.”  Whatever the heck that meant, I do not know, but I did not want to end-up on that 3 to 6 month trip.  It was fun to laugh again, but it sucked craving for anything and everything.  I was smoking two packs of cigarettes a day and going nuts.  Thank god cigarettes were still cheap back then.
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This is my stopping point right now, but I will continue my story soon.